Negative
by Rosie McLovin
Summary: COMPLETED? A different outlook on LoK through one chick's mind. A complete opposite of all the giddy omfg-kain-make-love-to-me fics out there.
1. Prologue

**Negative**

**By Rose Dincht**

**Prologue**

"OMG!! RAZ IS SO FRIKKIN HOT!"

"Meh, he's a dumbess. All he does is talk to himself and bitch about everything. Nothing incredibly sexy abotu that."

"OH YEAH!?!? WELL KAIN IS MY PLUSHIE AND I LOVE HIM AND WANNA GIVE HIM ORAL!"

"He's Kain. You're you. You wouldn't even get the chance to pull his pants down and he'd already have ripped out your tongue."

"Oh yeah!? Well I would LOVE to get sucked into the SR2 game!"

"And I think that would be a nightmare spat out of the pits of hell. Who the fuck would want that?"

Every day is the same shit. Bad ass video games make fangirls... really, really STUPID fangirls. The ones you just want to shut the fuck up about video games once in awhile and break all of their fingers in alphabetical order from left middle finger to right thumb.I must say that besides the Final Fantasy fans, the Legacy of Kain fans are by far the most annoying. I sit here, on my bed, typing in random IM's with people flaming me with bullshit like "OMFG RAZ IZN'T EMO U SUK!!!" and Christ knows what else, just trying to have a nice conversation with my boyfriend. And who decides to come in at the most convinient time? My big sister... with a Playstation 2, and Soul Reaver 2.

"If you're going to play that in here expect a pile of busted up wires and plastic along with a shattered CD in your bed tonight." I hissed.

"Shut up. It's my room too." she snaps.

"I personally don't give a damn, I'm talking to my boyfriend and I dont' wanna hear that shit, take it somewhere else!"

She totally ignores me and plugs in the station. I respond by pouring a glass of cold water over her head, and she responds by literally beating the fuck out of me. Clumps on hair on the floor, black eyes, and a missing tooth. I didn't complain though, when she'd find her busted up playstation and game would be more satisfying for me. I sat on the floor and began to type on my computer, trying REALLY HARD to ignore the damn two hour long dialogue between Raziel the Emo Bitch and Moebius the Lizard Man. Something inside of me was telling my sister probably fingered herself through the whole game, but hell, people have their own fucked up ways of getting off. This one isn't very surprising. Just before I could type in a hateful comment about my sister, I heard the loudest screeching high-pitched noise that turned out being her scream.

"What the fuck is -- GOING ON!?"

My eyes bulged out as my sister fell off the bed. The TV went static. First static, then black, then static again. I blinked, and my sister kept screaming and mentioned something about "The Ring". I grabbed her by the face and threw her off of me, then looked behind the TV. The Playstation was somehow disconnected and the TV went crazy. I glared at her.

"You stupid moron, you unhooked the damn--"

"AHHHHHH!!"

I looked back at the TV and saw Moebius's face staring at me with the weirdest, disturbing expression I've ever seen. Then his hand reached THROUGH THE SCREEN and grabbed onto my shirt, narrowly missing my breasts.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" I snapped and kicked him in his face. He winced and drew back, clutching his face with both hands and I noticed I broke his nose.

"What's wrong with you!?" he snapped.

"What's wrong with me!? Hey, I ain't the one pulling a Ringu Porno Grab Me flick here! I don't even LIKE you!" I shouted as my sister watched on, still screaming.

"Why can't you be like the other fangirls who would love to embrace this once in a lifetime situation!!" he snapped.

"Once in a life--- What?" I snapped.

"You would get to be sucked into the game, be IN the virtual reality world! Meet Raziel and have sex with any character you'd like!" he shouted.

I gave him the weirdest look that a girl with chunks of hair missing and two black eyes could give somebody.

"Dude... I dont' even LIKE this game, and I'm not a fangirl. Go take HER if you want somebody to go." I snapped and jerked my thumb in my sister's direction, who was still screaming.

"She's too loud, you're not! YOU'RE COMING!"

With that he grabbed me by the shirt again and pulled me through the TV screen. Oh yes, this was really original. The stupid fan gets sucked into the video game and everything turns out splendid then it actually does in the game! Right, and of all people, it had to be ME. Are you fucking kidding? Before I could think of more shit to say, I landed flat on my ass on a big grassy cliff, looking at the lake and walls that surrounded the Sarafan Stronghold... and I blinked. I looked to the side and saw the odd Save Point that my sister said looked "PRETTY". I looked to the other side and saw all the other cliffs that she would say was so much fun to jump on. Then I looked forward with the blankest expression.

"Shit.... I'm in hell..."

_Disclaimer : LoK does NOT belong to me. The chick and her sister and other Fan-Made Characters are mine if more decide to show up. That is all. Flame away, please._


	2. Would You Please Go Away?

**Negative**

**Chapter One - "Would You Please Go Away?"**

I was sitting there.... there was really nothing else to do. I tried to climb the biggest cliff and fell down eighty million and a half times, landing each time on my head, I might add. There was really nothing much I could do but just sit there and chuck sticks in the water. I let my legs dangle over the edge of the cliff and started to swing them whistling that spiffy tune from Kill Bill, and chewing on a piece of grass. The wind blew by and sent a chill on the spots where my hair had been ripped out and my black eyes continued to swell, so seeing was starting to reach the "Damn near impossible to see" level of sight.

"Yeah... I'm in hell." I said, just as I heard an object surface from the waters below. I leaned over and looked, seeing a huge, mangle blue carcass emerge from the water. And I narrowed my eyes.

"And the biggest asshole of all just so happens to be Satan." I muttered.

Obviously my voice caught his attention for he turned towards me. I blinked, shrugged, then laid back on the grass, legs still dangling off the side of the cliff. It didn't take long for him to forget about marveling the "pretty save point" and start leaping up the smaller cliffs to reach me. I was still laying down and whistling the tune, even after he was leaning over me and looking at my face. Not like I was paying much attention anyway, my eyes were puffy and swelled and I was damn near blind. You think I'd care if some dead guy's looking over me, espcieally one as emo and whiny as this guy?

"Who are you, girl?" he snapped.

"I am your mind, giving you someone to talk to." I responded, then continued to whistle. Obviously that pissed him off, 'cause he changed the subject.

"You don't look anything like a Nosgothian... your clothes... you're hair..."

"Yeah, many Nosgothians wouldn't wear frilly thongs and halter tops and from what I've seen, most of them are bald. Obviously I'm not from around here." I hissed.

Yeah... he pretty much seemed surprised that I didn't run off screaming "VAMPIRE!!! HELP ME KIND SIR!!" and what not. Then again, he was probably too busy staring at the "Frilly thong" I mentioned, 'cause the straps were clearly visible even in these baggy pants. I went back to whistling as he continued to blabber about my features and my sarcasm and asking me for information and crap. Obviously I ignored him, went back to whistling and swinging my legs to the beat. After about three stammers, he finally screamed out, "WOULD YOU STOP THAT ANNOYING TUNE!!" and I sprang up and yelled, "WOULD YOU STOP TALKING!?"

We glared at each other, and he lowered his face close to mine. "Do you want to die?"

"Dying would sound really nice about now." I snapped back. "But first, mind getting me off of this cliff? I've been here for a freakin' HOUR."

Raziel gave an aggrevated sigh and grabbed my by the back of my pants and the frilly thong. Then he jumped up, taking me with him in the most uncomfortable way ever, and landed with ease on the next cliff. He approached a taller one, knelt down with me still in his grip, jumped up and landed on the next one as well. Then I noticed that there was a huge gap between the cliffs, and he would have to glide. How he was going to glide with me was beyond me, but I didn't complain. My ass hurt too much to be complaining about gliding. He charged forward and cleared over at least ten feet before we began to fall, but with his arm, he forced me forward and released his hold on my pants, sending me rocketing onto the cliff and him falling to the water. I got up, dusted my ass off, then walked over to the edge, seeing ripples of the water.

"Well seeya 'round, Emo-man. It's been a real slice..." I said, saluting him off and walking away. A strangely dressed woman ran my way with a huge axe in her hand and she looked at me.

"What just happened!?" she shrieked. I shrugged.

"Stray dog..." I stated, then walked away.


	3. Wow

**Negative**

**Chapter Two - Wow**

_"Do doodododo, I hate you guys, do doodododo, you guys can kiss my aaaasssssssss, do doododo, I fuckin hate you guuuuuuys...."_

That was my blues song at the moment. After making that "Stray dog" comment, the woman in the suit suspected me to be a spy or some shit for a vampire. I told her she was full of shit, and that gave her all the more reason to attack me. It also gave me all the more reasons to hate this fucking game. I didn't run away though, I mean hell, it's a video game. Not like I could die or some shit, right? And all cliche people seem to survive throught he whole thing, so it wasn't a big deal to me. Those were the thoughst I was thinking BEFORE she stabbed me in the shoulder with the pointed end of her axe-staff or whatever the hell it's called.

When I felt that... I was kind of shocked. LIke, not the shocked like "GASP! OMFG!!". The kind of shock when you get when something breaks your arm and you can't believe that it happened so quickly. Yeah, my eyes widened, my voice kinda choked, and I was shaking like mad for a few seconds, and then fell down on the ground when she yanked it out of me. Naturally I rolled on my side and slapped a hand on the wound, blood pumping out like crazy and me still in shock. After a few moments of sheer, tormenting pain and me managing to hold back the gushing blood, I looked up at her wtih the meanest eyes ever.

"What the FUCK was that for!?" I snapped. She looked pretty surprised herself and was looking from side to side, obviously not knowing what to say.

I was still pissed.

"You mean to tell me you fucking STABBED ME and you DON'T KNOW WHY!?" I shouted. She bite her lower lip.

I was STILL pissed.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH!! WHEN I STOP BLEEDING I'M GONNA KILL YOUR ASS!!"

And that was the magic word. The woman suddenly exploded infront of me, probably unaware of it, and the rest of her body, blood and skin alike, went splattering right on me. I stared blank at the ground, mouth open, face puzzled and still pretty pissed, having a hard time believing what just happened seeing I was covered in pieces of a human being. Then two cloven feet appeared before me. I still didn't look up, just stared at the feet that didn't move. And still, without looking up, I said in the most icy tone ever...

"You... are.... a... fucking.... asshole...."

"I take it where you come from that is what you call thanks for a creature who saved your life." Raziel hissed.

"You didn't save shit. You just earned me a trip to the drycleaners!" I snapped and stood up, still wincing at the wound. Raziel narrowed his eyes.

"I know how to heal the wound, let me see it." he said.

I blinked. "And I'm also sure you know how to react when I say 'Kiss my ass'. Maybe if I die I'll LEAVE this hell."

Raziel didn't say anything but I knew he was annoyed. I walked to the stream that lead to the lake. I must admit that even those this game sucked, it had the best scenery. The beauty was just beyond words. I sat down on the bridge that lead over the stream while Raziel took a path that lead up towards higher ground. Blood was still pumping out of my shoulder and from the looks of it, it showed no sign of stopping. That's when I noticed something.

The haltertop I wore was made of 100 cotton. And wet cotton shrinks when dried. And direct pressure stops bleeding. Finally that boring JROTC class and the washing machine taught me something useful for a change. So, I took off the shirt and dipped it into the water beneath the bridge, just letting the current wrap around the substance and letting it flow. after it was good, soaked, and cold, I rang it out and wrapped it around my shoulder tightly. Trust me, this was NOT easy. When you only have one available arm and the other hurts like shit, tying something around the shit one is one of the hardest tasks next to trying to lick your elbow. After about twenty tries, I managed to wrap it around the shoulder and wound, and tighten it.

For just minor information, I wasn't walking around topless. I might not care about a lot of things, but walking around topless is one thing I wouldn't do. I had a sportsbra on, and I shaved my armpits. I was pretty damn decent for all I cared. And hell, with my hair down, it was pretty much a natural fur coat. That mop on my head's thicker then a wolf and nearly drops to my knees.It wasn't until after I had the shirt on when I was kicking myself in the ass for not wiping off the pieces of that hunter off of me when I had the chance. And leaping in cold water without a shirt on didn't sound very.... comforting, espcieally seeing the sports bra was white. But, after mentally debating myself, I jumped into the water. Yeah, it was freezing. I didn't really complain too much though. After getting your hair ripped out, your eyes punched, landing on your head a million times, falling on your ass and then getting stabbed, I must say that ice cold water does really numb the pain. For a few minutes, I splashed and rubbed the blood and chunks off of me, then crawled out of the water, tightening the shirt again.

I parted my hair and let it fall over my shoulders and chest. Trust me, that was a GOOD thing. You wouldn't want to see a 15 year old chick walk around with a wet sportsbra and hard nipples. It gives a bad impression. After climbing out of there, my pants started to sag and I had to hold them up as I walked up the path Raziel took. This was hard too. Loss of blood, heavy pants, and a chance you might show your thong to the world. I kept walking up the path, playing games with myself in my head about how many different ways I could beat the shit out of Raziel or Eidos for making the path so steep. When I reached the top, the scenery was much prettier, the guards were all dead, and there were a bunch of stairs leading up to a bridge. And guess who was on the bridge, fighting one of the guards.

"Man.... am I going to have to follow him through the whole thing and hear him whine about his fate and shit? Oh well, at least I'm not in Defiance. That game did nothign but piss me off when I played as Raziel." I muttered to myself and began to move up the stairs.

My legs were sore, I felt light headed, my brain was telling me to just lay down on the steps and go to sleep but my feet kept forward. I climbed the first set of stairs, then groaned as I saw the second set. Of course, I began to walk up those, still holding my pants up, and growing more sleepier by the moment. I reached the top of the stairs and saw Raziel up ahead, staring at a bunch of persecuted vampires. I glared at him, then stumbled before I could reach the bridge. Gravity kicked me forward and slammed me down and my face kissed the dirt.


	4. Kain Yay

**Negative**

**Chapter Three - Kain... yay....**

_I awakened in Raziel's arms. He looked down at me with the most worrysome eyes as I whimpered in exhaustion and slight pain. I eyed my wound, seeing that it had been completely healed, and then gasp, seeing my clothes were missing.... all of them. His soft but powerful claw stroked my cheek lovingly, then slid down onto my chest, carressing my breasts. I let out a small moan as his face approached mine...._

_"You're so beautiful......" he whispered, then moved his face closer....._

Like piss shit.

I woke up in the same spot where I had been. My face buried in the dirt, before the bridge. I narrowed my eyes and gave a low groan in the pit of my throat. With my one available arm, I managed to push myself up and onto my feet. Seeing the back of my clothes were almost dry and the ground beneath me was covered in mudd, along with the front of my body, must say that I was probably out for at least two or four hours.... surprisingly, the sun was in the same place. As for the little "teaser" I posted? The only thing that related to that was that my wound HAD been healed, and Raziel was standing next to me, seated on the bridge.

"Jesus H Christ...." I muttered, wiping the mudd off my face. "I need a beer...."

Raziel crossed his arms. "You're welcome..." he growled. I rolled my eyes.

"I never asked for your help, Emo-Man. But seeing I can't go back to where I came from and that the Sarafan Stronghold probably won't want my company, looks like I'm stuck with you for the rest of this trip." I said.

Raziel stood up. "And why must you follow me about?"

"Trust me man, I don't WANT to follow you about. All you ever do is talk to yourself and complain about everything. As long as you promise to SHUT UP, and let me tag along unnoticed, it'll be cool. Besides, something tells me that if I follow you, I'll find my way back home." I said.

Raziel sighed aggrevated. "Come along..."

He turned and moved across the bridge. I followed after him, flipping back my muddy hair and trying to wipe the rest of the mud on my arms and hands off on my pants. We moved across the bridge and passed the persecuted vampires on the way. And something occurred to me.... if vampires and humans in the game vanished once killed, then how come these ones DIDN'T? Meh, stupid sucky game. So... we keep on walking. Just..... walking..... yeah, nothign really exciting or interestign here, just a bunch of walking. yay!!! Something interesting! Two suited chicks and a guy with a bazooka come running out and attack Raziel. I figured I didn't really need him for this, I ran as if he was chasing me while the others attacked him, then made it to the gateway that lead to the pillars. Raziel was screaming all sorts of shit like "COME BACK HERE YOU DAMNED HUMAN!!" as he battled them off. But hell, what am _I_ supposed to do? I'M HALF NAKED FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

So I pull a lever and the latches on the gates shift. I open the gates, and look up at the pillars....... they were big. Really big....................... and tall. Yeah..... just a bunch of tall peaces of marble that'll fall down and turn into a chair. Then I looked right ahead.... there was a great big green guy with long silver hair and long red thing (not a penis). Yeah... it was Kain. I started walking towards him... hell, he has to be better company then Raziel, he, Vorador and Moebius were the only things good about Defiance after all. So very slowly, I began to approach Kain, walking up the steps, almost sneaking up on him and taking him by surprise when...

"I know you're there, Raziel...." his voice emerged. I gave a sweatdrop.

"Well sorry to burst yer bubble but Emo Man's in a fix right now." I said.

I noticed that once he heard my voice, he WAS taken by surprise. Kain slowly turned around, and looked down at me, then jumped in disgust. I rose an eyebrow.

"Hey man, do you have any idea what kind of shit I've been through in the last few hours? I don't need you to look at me like I'm fuckin' Frankenstein here." I growled. He chuckled, probably amused with what I said. I must say so myself, my sarcasm can be pretty funny sometimes.

"A lady like you would probably appear this way when she travels with such...." he looked up and saw Raziel still battling, "....unpleasant company...."

I sighed. "Man, you ain't kidding. This guy is a pain in the ass. Next time you throw him in the abyss make sure he doesn't come back...."

Kain chuckled again. "Will do."

He looked up as Raziel came charging forward in rage, Soul Reaver drawn, ready to kill him. I jumped infront of Kain.

"Don't kill him, Goddamnit! He's the only GOOD thing about this game!" I yelled. Raziel ignored and grabbed me by the arm, tossing me out of the way. "hey!!"

Then singlehandedly, in the most awesome way ever, Kain did something that made me want to leap in his pants and do him for eighty million years.

**He....**

****

**PUNCHED....**

****

**Raziel....**

"Oh HELL yeah..." I muttered and stood up as Raziel cleared over my head and landed a few yards away.

"Now that we're done with that, there's much to discuss..." Kain hissed, then turned to me. "Young lady, if you would be so kind...."

He grabbed me by the back of my pants like Raziel did, and with a powerful fling of his arm, I went flying through the air and crash landed on the cliff above. I went to yell something really mean at the both of them, then looked at myself with a smile. Before Kain threw me he casted some sort of spiffy spell or something. The mudd and water was gone from my clothes and hair, the hair that had been ripped out had grown back, and my black eyes were gone. I gave a big smile and waved.

"THANK YOU!!!!!" I shouted, then began to skip away.

AN - And thanks to Razielim Vampriess and Gem for their reviews, and BIG THANKS to Griz for the "flame". That made me crack up when I saw it. ;;;;


	5. Sympathy for my Lungs

**Negative**

**Chapter Four - Sympathy for My Lungs**

"Here's how it works, I'll stick my hand in the slot oozing out the blue shit, and pray to God that when I pull out my hand, it's not melted off or covered in gross shit. THEN I'll be on my merry way."

I am well aware that in order to open the great big door with the big blue guy on it that I would need the Wraith Blade.

I just felt like pissing off Raziel at the moment.

When we regrouped, I was at the great big door after looking at Vorador's little vultures that kept spying on us. When I passed, I flipped them all the finger, 'cause I knew the big green Grinch was watching. Raziel appeared out of the Spectral Realm, muttering how much he was "intrigued by Kain's words" and what not and growling about how much I was a pain and possibly a backstabber and other bullshit. He was watching me the whole time.... I knew it too, which was why I kept messing around with the lock with my hand. When i pulled it out the door wasn't open, I grabbed a rock and jammed it in there, trying to twist it to open it. Naturally, no cigar. So then I stabbed the slot with a big stick.... and broke it. After that, I began to hurl insults at the door for not opening, and the whole "attempt" lasted for about an hour when Raziel stomped his way over, grabbed me by the shoulder and pushed me on the ground.

"You are the most annoying person I've ever met!" he snapped, drawing his Wraith Blade.

I sat up on my butt. "Oh boo freakin hoo! Go write a song about it, Emo-Man!" i snapped. I turned and growled at me.

"AND WHAT IS THIS EMO YOU SPEAK OF!?" he shrieked.

"IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO DON'T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO WITH THEIR TIME THAN FEEL SORRY FOR THEMSELVES AND BITCH ABOUT EVERYTHING IN A DEPRESSING MOOD!! AND THEN THEY WRITE SONGS ABOUT IT!! DAMN YOU SUCK!!!" I yelled back.

We stared at each other for some time...... then we blinked.... then I stood up and he opened the door. I ran ahead of him and he strolled on in. There was a great big hall that led into a great big cave, right? Those who've played this game know what this place looks like. Anyways, remember those big hot springs with the green water in 'em? I ran right into one of those, threw off my clothes and jumped in. After being in the mud and ice cold water for over four hours, you tend to get frikkin COLD. So I did a cannonball and splashed thick green shit all over the place, and then started chillin.

"Human!! Human, where did you go!?"

Emo-Man's voice bellowed throughout the cave. I gave a smirk and slid under the water, just a little bit, so I could still hear him coming and yelling. When he came closer, I took in a mouthful of that water… or mud… whatever it was… and then sprang out of the spring, spitting a mouthful of the stuff at what was supposed to be Raziel…

Instead I managed to spit all of it on those ghost things with the sparkle in them. I made a classic vv face and let my shoulders sink.

"Well what the fuck…" I muttered.

The monster let out a roar and swung a claw at me. Of course I let out a scream and booked out of there, running full speed into Raziel, knocking us both down. He glared at me.

"What are you doing!? AND WHY ARE YOU NAKED!?" he snapped. I glared.

"Because I'm a nudist and I felt like going for an evening streak." I responded. He growled.

"I'm going to-ARGH!!" Raziel flew over my head after a stream of green fire hit him in the back from one of those things. I ran back and snatched up my clothes, then leaped behind a rock, putting my clothes back on (did Imention that that liquid water thingy is like... mashed potatos in a pasty form? It stuck onto my skin, it felt weird with my clothes over them...)

As I did with the warriors, I booked again and left Raziel to fight. Hell, we would end up meeting up at the same place anyways. So I went running down the halls, those shadowy things popping out from hell, spitting this gross shit at me while I tried to duck and dodge them. Well to put it bluntly and straight forward, my agility is shit. I was hit in the back, the thigh, the head and the ass, and went rolling down the steps half a second later. Then I landed on my face. Go figure.

So I get up, dust myself off, walk to this great big open room with the Pillars under the ground, blah blah blah, players of the game know what I'm referring to. There's water surrounding the thing and there's a big black thing squirming around. This gave me the best image of what those devilfish looked like in Island of the Blue Dolphins.... big... dark... and ugly, and with those long squiggly arms. I crouched down next to the water and tossed a stone in.

"Hey stupid! Wake up!" I snapped.

There was no response. I threw another stone in.

"Asshole, wake UP." I growled again.

Still no response. I threw a BIGGER stone in.

"If you don't respond RIGHT NOW I'M GON-"

"AHHHHH!! MY EYE!!!"

THe vioce bellowed from the water and the room shook. I looked down and saw one of the huge freakin eyeballs turn a puffy red color.... probably where my last rock hit him. I glared adn stared down at the water.

"Well what the hell!? Why didn't you respond before!? And goddamnit, that spring water shit got on my thong and it's giving me a major muddy enema!" I snapped.

Just as I stated the uncomfortable fact involving my rectum, Emo-Man came charging in, yelling something about me running away and what not. Then the Elder god began to talk. Then Emo-Man began to talk. Then I stopped caring and jumped in the water. After seeing my sister play this stupid game over and over and over, I had an idea as to where to go. Strangely enough, air pressure didn't build up in my ears and I could swim as deep as I wanted without pain. There was one problem. The huge squid creeped me out. All of his tentacles were wrapped around the pillars and it looked like a bunch of giant snakes. The huge eyeballs were a creepy sight too, but I couldn't help but release the air from my lungs in insane laughter as I passed a huge red eye and the large rock I had thrown laying beside it.

OBviously I forgot I was underwater I needed air. Yes, this sucked. The surface was too far away for me to swim up with these baggy ass pants and no air. Inside I was saying "Well shit, what a fucked up way to go.", then eyed a huge underground cave. Any other time I would've been scared shitless that it would lead into a dead end and I'd die. This was not one of those times, as I knew where it lead. It was also not one of those times because my lungs felt like they were about to explode. Frantically I started swimming towards the cave, those damn pants holding me back and slowing progress, making me panic more. Any other time I would've ditched the damn things and swim like hell. But seeing I wasn't alone on this trip and there was probably a bunch of slimy green spring stuff in my crack, AND since I was wearing a thong, I figured I'd keep the pants on and at least die with some dignity.

Swimming.... swimming... swimming faster... not very fast.... I hate these pants...

The cave was a HUGE relief for me. I couldn't feel the relief though as I was close to sobbing my eyes out underwater by the throbbing pain in my lungs. In a split second, I felt a claw grip onto it's normal area on the back of my pants, and if I had the air to do so I would've groaned.Raziel went rocketing out of the water and we landed on the rocky ground. Just as we pulled out of the water and practically screamed out for air. Raziel dropped me onto the ground as one of those monster things attacked us, and I found myself choking out water and gasping for air at the same time. It didn't take Raz very long to defeat the monster, but I didn't have time to care. I passed out on the ground.

Is it just me, or is this just getting worse and worse as it goes along? Damn game...

**And to answer Earthworm Jim's question, I did it for that reason. I was tired of seeing all these stupid fantasies these dumb fangirls make about Raziel stroking their throbbing vaginas and sucking on Kain's holiest of holies. It was time for something different, and I decided to go Anti-Fangirl. Not to mention I thought it would be pretty amusing if a few fangirls got pissed and decided to flame. Just for laughs and entertainment pretty much. And that's all. Flames are welcome, reviews are treasured. See ya when I see ya.**


	6. Where's Alucard When You Need Him?

**Negative**

**Chapter Five - Where's Alucard When You Need Him?**

"Two bums are sitting in an alleyway next to a bunch of garbage cans. Bum #1 tells Bum #2 _"You won't believe what I found the other day! I found an entire loaf of bread! Isn't that great!?" _Bum #2 says _"You think THAT's great? You know what I found? A CHICK." _Freaked out, Bum#1 says _"Woah! Where did you find her!?". _Bum #2 says _"She was tied up on the traintracks! I found her, untied her, and we had sex for the whole night!" _So now officially freaked out, Bum# 1 says _"So, did she give you any blowjobs?". _Bum#2 responds with _"She couldn't, I wasn't able to find her head"_

"Must your humor be so disgusting?" Raziel hissed.

"I dunno, you seem to bring that out of me." I responded.

I woke up in a different part of the cave. We were _waaaaaaaaaaaaaay_ up high and there was a bunch of water below. Raz said that in order to take me with him that high he had to scale the walls with me on his back. How I didn't fall a million times is beyond me. I looked down at the water and whistled.

"Normally I don't mind swimming but when I'm on the brink of drowning it really sucks." I said.

"Then don't laugh underwater again." was his response, then pulled me up. "We're going."

"Gotcha Emo-Man." I responded as he growled at his new nickname.

Rather then run the whole way down, Raziel just grabbed me by the arm and we jumped down. You know how Lara Croft screams when she falls? I was close to doing that, but the water drowned it out before I had the chance. I sunk for a bit, then swam up to get a great big deep breath, then went under. You guys know what this places looks like so I won't go into description besides the fact that it was huge and led into another cave. I didn't plan on trusting my own legs to get around, not to mention Raziel was a much faster swimmer, so I just grabbed onto one of his dead wings and "rode" him. Yes, that was disgusting and sounded wrong, but there's no other definition that came into my head at the moment. Raziel didn't seem to care anyways. He went swimming around under the water and made it to the huge cave. My lungs would've been killing me by now, but they weren't for some reason. Maybe it's the speed of Raz, maybe it's because I dislike pain. Either way, I was fine.... until he got lost in the cave.

It was more of a maze then a cave if you want me to be honest. At this time I let go of him and started to swim around freely, looking for a way out. Raziel was looking around the bottom for any secret tunnels or something, and I went looking around the top. I was halfway finished checking half of the cave went I released some of my air. NOW my lungs were starting to hurt. I started looking around frantically this time... but these damn baggy pants... what a pain in the ass. Even when I had air in my lungs I was still sinking. Before I could search some more, I looked up. There was a huge tunnel leading up... and a shimmering, shiny orange light at the top. It was fire! FINALLY a way out! Knowing that Raziel wouldn't drown if I left him down there for an hour, I swam up to the surface and gasped out, breathing in more air. Throwing out one of my arms, I pulled myself out of the water and laid on my back in this weird stone... thing that was kinda like a house, but not. Torches were on the wall, and outside there was a huge swamp. After catching my breath, I stood up and walked outside.

"Why am I suddenly reminded of a Star Wars movie? There gonna be a little Jedi thing popping out any time soon? Or maybe a giant cannibalistic teddy bear with a spear." I muttered.

Guards and soldiers were everywhere. Not a civillian in sight. I had an idea that my presence here would be really... questioning, I guess? But hell, as long as I didn't get stabbed again, it'll be cool for me. So I kept walking. I made my first mistake by stepping in the swamp which slowed me down. Got out of the swampy muddy stuff and moved onto less wet "higher ground", so moving wasn't a pain in the ass. After a while of aimlessly wandering I came to a door. And go figure, not only was it locked, it was rusted over, and heavy as hell, so I couldn't open it. I sighed and collapsed onto the ground.

"Gotta wait for Emo-Man.... this sucks." I growled, then looked up at the ruins on a huge cliff. There was a tall, green figure there. And yup. I knew who it was. It was Vorador. And he was looking right at me. Casually, I lifted my arm and flipped him the bird again.

"You looking at something?" I muttered, then lowered my arm. He glared, and continued to watch me. I shrugged I leaned my head against the door.

"Emo-Man, get your ass over here and kick the damn door down. The sooner I leave this fucking game, the better." I growled.

"What do you mean by game?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin. I looked at the ruins. The Grinch wasn't there anymore. Now he was standing beside me, arms crossed, looking down at me with the most pissed off eyes I've ever seen. Now yelling at Raziel was cool, he was a stupid whiny bitch. Yelling at Vorador who could actually do something besides write a book about ever fucking thing that happened to him was different. Now was the time when I wanted to bite off my middle finger and say "That wasn't me! See?". But like that would work anyway.

"You wouldn't believe me even if I told you, Mr. Grinch." I stated. He responded by lifting me off the ground by my hair.

"What was that? I expected an answer, not sarcasm." he growled.

I winced. Yup, couldn't fuck around with this guy. "This place is really a video game, I got pulled in through my TV screen and now I'm here driving Emo-Man Crazy!" I responded. He threw me down on the ground.

"You were correct, I don't believe you." he said. Yeah, what a way to rip off Griz's story, huh? I rubbed my head.

"So what's up with you spying on me and Emo-Man? You didn't see all the times I was naked, right?" I asked him. He rolled his eyes.

"A human girl just starting puberty is the least of my concerns. Your friend... the... _'Emo-Man'_, however, is the top of my concerns." he growled. I blinked.

"Yes, yes, I know, you want to know more about the 'savior of Nosgoth' and the salvation of the pillars and all that juicy stuff. Emo-Man is a moron. Nothing incredibly special about him. You can't kill him, and he does more talking then solving anything... and he whines a lot. Shouldn't you do something more constructive like trying to find Kain and kill that idiot time streaming moron?" I stated.

Vorador smirked. I don't know why... but he did. It was really scary.

"So my vulgar-mouthed friend. Why is it that your.... Emo-Man has decided to keep you alive this long? I've heard of you speaking of following him to lead you home but why does he not just leave you to rot?" Vorador stated (**AN**: winkwink) with curiousity.

Like I had an answer for that, I wasn't even gonna try and stop the guy if he wanted to kill me.

"Because... killing me would be too easy, maybe?" I said. Vorador smirked again. I'm getting more scared.

"I saw him eat the souls of his victims, so it isn't a matter of food." Vorador stated. Before I could blink or shiver or whatever, he grabbed me by the back of my neck and picked me off the ground. "I, however, haven't fed for so long... and a young girl like you is hard to come by."

"Well color me happy, I'm a rare treat." I muttered. Vorador tightened his grip and I winced.

"Any final words, girl?" he hissed. I rose my eyebrows.

"Yes, actually.... one, I just ate a whole bunch of garlic.... and two, I just farted. Silent... but deadly." I stated.

Vorador probably thought me as a wasted meal when I stated that and threw me into a wall. Talk about a change of heart, right? And whup de! Guess who decided to show up!? It was Emo-Man! He takes a look at me, then Vorador. Vorador raises an eyebrow, then crosses his arms and vanishes. Raziel walked over to me and picked me up.

"Did he bite you?" he asked. I shook my head.

"No but he really wanted to… until I made another really disgusting joke." I said. Raziel shook his head and kicked down the door.

"Come on, let's go." He said, grabbing me by the arm and yanking me through the door.

Fun times… fun, fun times…


	7. Here's the Kick Off and it SUCKS

**Negative**

**Chapter Six: Here's the Kick Off, and It SUCKS.**

"I hate Evanesence."

"Who and what is THAT?"

"A stupid rock band. They used to sound awesome but after listening to their shit a hundred million times Amy Lee's voice sounds more whiny and less rockin. Floor Jansen from After Forever should shoot her in her kneecaps."

"Normally I would say that I wish I knew what you were talking about. At the moment I'm too afraid to ask."

Raz and I made it to the top of the terrace where Vorador once was before he decided to throw me into a wall. I had to run ahead of course while he killed everybody. Of course I had to hold onto him while he climbed up the walls and then jump off the wall so it looked like he was chasing me again when more guards came. We had just made it to the Dark Forge! Whup de! Raziel saw the slot in which the reaver was supposed to go in and I chuckled, remembering the previous lock. He attempted to roll his eys and moved over towards the door, opening it. When the door slid open, he turned to me.

"Coming in?" he questioned. I shook my head and sat on the floor. "Afraid?"

"Yes. Terrified. After running around with you and you're corpse-ness, a tomb is very heart stopping." I muttered sarcastically. Raziel shook his head.

"Suit yourself, human." he said, then moved into the tomb.

So finally he was gone. What was I gonna do while he was solving puzzles? I don't know. Out of nowhere I was reminded of my sister, and an idea came to my head. I looked upwards at the sky.

"Hey stupid! Can you hear me? Are you watching me? You can see me through the TV, right?" I said. I didn't recieve and answer but I was sure that she heard me. "Okay, if you're there, show me a sign. Take the Soul Reaver 2 disc and put it in my laptop. Then insert **_BLOODRAYNE 2_** into the other disc drive, and click **BURN**. We'll see if the world deletes or something."

My sister learned from me how to use the computer, so I didn't have to worry. The bad part was the lag... which took about twenty minutes. I spent most of my time pacing back and forth during that time when I heard a few good slashes and the sound of a chain, then a person screaming. Suddenly, a woman flipped into the scene with two long blades, a harpoon and two odd looking guns. Did I mention she had red hair? I looked at her, she looked at me, and I blinked.

"Now... things are getting good." I said. She shrugged me off and jumped off the terrace, probably going to kill more people.

I smiled and looked up. "That's sweet! Okay, now take out BloodRayne 2 and insert in the first DVD disc of **Hellsing**!" I yelled.

More lag, but it was cut down by about five minutes. Before I knew it I heard some loud gunshots and a woman screaming. Zipping out onto the terrace this time was a guy in a red outfit and a huge hat, with a big ass handgun.

"Clint Eastwood fan, are we?" I chuckled as a small blonde haired girl with an even bigger gun came running in. I waved at them. They smiled, then jumped off the terrace as well.

"Man, how many people can I bring into this game? Okay, let's find somebody who'll stick around... erm.... hey sis! If you can find **Grand Theft Auto: Vice City**, put it in please?"

Ten minutes later I heard the screeching of tires, more gunshots, and a loud explosion. Then some hot guy came running towards me in a aqua hula shirt and put a gun to my head.

"COME NEAR ME AND I'LL SHOOT THE KID!" he shouted. I gave a sweatdrop.

"This is getting worse and worse, isn't it?" I said, then looked up at the sky again. "Sis, put in **Fatal Frame**. Have Blinded or Kirie KILL THIS MAN." I snapped.

Five seconds later a huge ghost with her eyes gouged out came and choked Tommy. After she killed him a chick with a camera came running in and killed the ghost by taking pictures of her. Then she turned to me.

"Who are you? How come I'm not in the Himuro Mansion anymore?" she asked. I sighed and placed my hands on my hips.

"Dude, you wouldn't believe me if I told you... wait, maybe you would. Okay, you're from the 80's, right? Are you familiar with **Pacman**?" I asked.

She nodded slowly and unsurely. I looked up at the sky and nodded. Before we both knew it a little yellow ball with a mouth came flying by. We both watched it, blinked, and hung our heads. I lifted my hand. "Sis... my final request. Put in my **Street Fighter** Anniversary Collection, then put in **The Mortal Kombat Trilogy Collection**, and finish it off with **Final Fantasy VII**."

Before we knew it, me and the camera girl looked down to see Chun Li and Cammy fighting Sonya and Kitana, Ryu fighting Lu Kan, Ken fighting Johnny Cage, and an all out brawl with everybody else. Suddenly A guy with a huge sword, a chick with fighting gloves, and another chick with a rod and a pink dress came in and joined in the fighting. After that a guy with a gun on his arm and a few other odd characters came in. and fought. After awhile…. They all killed each other. I looked up.

"One more favor, could you please put in the **Kill Bill DVD** as well? The first volume, not the second one." I stated.

Before we knew it, The Bride was standing infront of us in that kick ass yellow Bruce Lee outfit. And before any one of us could speak, the door opened and Raziel appeared. He made a weird face. The Bride jumped and readied her sword, Miku held up her camera, and I looked to the side, seeing Vorador again.

"You're a ragged excuse for a savior." He hissed, making both women jump and see him.

"Where the fuck AM I?' the Bride snapped. Miku looked towards me.

"How did you get those people to arrive?" she asked.

"My sister burned the DVD's and other video games onto this disc…. And people appeared. We'll probably run into Elle, Budd and Bill too assuming you killed O-Ren and Vernita already. Maybe even Mafuyu and Kirie." I said. Miku shivered at that name.

The Bride turned towards me. "I'm in a fucking video game? Are you kidding me?"

"It's either that or really bad drugs." I said.

Raziel and Vorador ignored us and talked. I looked down off the terrace and looked back towards the area where the Sarafan Stronghold was supposed to be. I sure as hell wasn't going to swim my ass back through that tunnel again. Before Vorador could vanish I threw myself at his ankles.

"WAIT!!!!' I shouted. He nearly fell over.

"Are you possessed!?" he snapped. I looked up.

"Hey, could you like…. Teleport us back to the Sarafan Stronghold? We'd like to kill Moebius if that's cool. And I…. Don't feel like swimming again." I said.

Vorador responded by punting me across the floor. "Not on your life, girl." He lifted his middle talon and then disappeared.


	8. Back to the Stronghold We Goes

**Negative**

**Chapter Seven: Back to the Stronghold We Goes**

"So Beatrix..."

"Just let me pee."

"What's goin' on"

"I'm TRYING to PEE"

"...So Beatrix..."

"Oh for Christ's sake"

"... I can see your pubic hair"

"Oh my God that's IT"

Something tells me that inviting the bazillion plus characters into this game wasn't a good idea. We passed BloodRayne and Alucard duking it out just because they wanted their share of the Sarafan, we saw a million guys from Vice City shooting up and blowing up the place with AK-47's and grenade launchers, and to make it better, some crazy ninja chick stole Miku's herbal medicine. We found her some time later throwing it all up. And we had to stop for a pee-break for Beatrix... so far this trip wasn't turning out very well, espcieally considering Raziel had to eat half of the freakin' ghosts in Fatal Frame.

"Hey…" Miku tapped me on the shoulder. "How come you don't have a shirt on?"

You know, it wasn't until she reminded me that I forgot I was running around in my bra.

"I was stabbed in the shoulder but some psycho bitch and had to use it for pressure… besides, it's probably ten sizes too small now." I responded.

When Beatrix zipped up her suit and was done taking a whiz, she socked me in the back of the head for being an ass. Yeah, I deserved it, so I didn't say anything mean back to her and rubbed my head. Raziel came back after another nice long fight with Miss Broken Neck, who randomly popped up everywhere we fucking went. He growled as he approached us.

"Shall we carry on?" he growled.

"I'm not swimming through that damn thing again!" I snapped. Raziel crossed his arms.

"How do you suppose we return to the Stronghold then" he growled. I cracked my neck and looked up.

"Sis... put in your stupid **X-Men Evolution **DVD. I know I hate that fucking show, but we could use Nightcrawler for this one."

Raziel and Beatrix looked at me oddly. Miku didn't look surprised. Suddenly a guy came charging in wearing a weird ass costume and punched Raziel in the chest with metal claws coming out of his fist. That was enough to make all four of us scream at the randomness. Raziel then responded by stabbing him with the wraith blade and devouring his soul. Then the little blue guy tried to sneak up on the Emo-Man, but Beatrix charged over and grabbed him by the tail. I followed.

"Hey, we need you for like, two seconds. Transport all of us to the Sarafan Stronghold so we don't have to SWIM our way there, and all will be good." I said.

Of course Nightcrawler wasn't going to cooperate, up until Raziel threatened him with the Wraith Blade. Then he cooperated. We all touched him and he disappeared... and then we all landed in the lake infront of the Stronghold. Go figure. So we swim over to the cliffs where I first appeared and Raziel said he had some unfinished business to attend to, so he left us there while he ran off into the Light Forge. I looked over at Beatrix, Miku and Nightcrawler.

"So... anybody up for a game of Bullshit" I asked, just as the Pacman came flying by, falling into the lake, and chasing a fish. Everybody gave their own classic v v face at that.

"I'm taking a nap." Beatrix hissed.

"I'll be on the look out for ghosts." Miku said.

"I'm going after your friend." Nightcrawler stated.

"Yeah, that's a good idea. He'll get around faster with your teleportation shit." I said, then sat down, kicking my feet in the water.

Beatrix walked over towards the cliff and laid down on it, hoping to get some shut eye while Miku paced around the place with her camera. Nightcrawler disappeared. And... we just waited. And waited some more. And... yeah. Eventually I found myself leaping into the lake and swimming around, humming "Stories to Tell" from the Trigun Soundtrack out of the clear blue sky. So far things were starting to look up. Traveling with Emo-Man sucked, but as long as Miku, The Bride and Nightcrawler were here for the trip, hell, all looked good to me! before fifteen minutes were up, Raziel and Nightcrawler appeared back near the cliffs, Raziel weilding the Light Reaver this time.

"Did you have to come back so soon? I was enjoying my nap while it lasted." Beatrix muttered. Miku ran over towards the newcomers and I swam in.

"What are you gonna do with that" she asked, looking at the reaver. Raziel looked up at a great big door with a pink crystal and took aim.

"I'm going to open the door." he said, then fired energy from the Reaver onto the crystal.

Bigger then shit the doors opened up. Usually we would have to swim in, but hey, we have Nightcrawler, right? He just teleports us in. Yup... so here we are, the happy bunch. I'm soaked and squeaky, Miku's paranoid as shit, the Bride is confused and Nightcrawler doesn't know what the fuck is going on. So yeah... we walk through the Stronghold. We run into guards. Beatrix cuts there weapons right in half with her Hattori Hanzo sword and then sends them running for cover. We run into another battle with like eight other guards and Nightcrawlers pulls these badass moves like he did in the X-Men 2 movie. We open a door. Blinded appears. We all scream. Miku takes a photo. Problem solved. So... we keep moving. And we end up in this great big room and end up in another room.

THERE IS A FUCKING CORPSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM.

"Oh THAT's pleasant..." I mutter as Miku tries to keep herself from gagging. Raziel shakes his head.

"Show yourself, Kain." he growls. Beatrix looks over and sees Kain in William's tomb and yells something along the lines of "LOOK AT THAT BIG FUCKER" or something similar. Kain... gave her a weird look.

"I see you've made a small army of your own, Raziel." Kain said. Raziel shook his head in annoyance, and Kain turned his head back towards me. "Pleasure seeing you again, young lady."

I gave him a peace sign. "Groovy baby."

Kain chuckled then he and Raziel started talking. Then... they started giving history lessons. Then they started yelling. Then something was going on that I really didn't care about because it was taking too long. So I just turned around and started walking away. After about five minutes of watching the nonsense, Beatrix rose an eyebrow as well and followed after me. Miku shivered, then followed. Nightcrawler was the only person who stayed behind. "We blue guys gotta stick together", it would seem. I dont' care. So we walk around... and we walk some more. Then we go into this one room that has a bunch of pictures of Vorador. And guess who's there!

"Where is Raziel"

"Oh I'm so happy to see you too, asshole! How's your nose"

"Hold your tongue"

Yup. It was Moebius. I stomped my way towards him and he did the same, both of us giving each other the meanest looks ever.

"What are you doing here without Raziel? AND WHO ARE THEY" he shrieked. I growled.

"All's not going according to plan, is it? Now would you mind telling me why you PULLED ME INTO THIS FUCKING GAME" I shouted.

"I'd like to know too, Grandpa" Beatrix snapped. Moebius ignored her.

"You are impossible! I thought you would enjoy my gift of the freedom to alter this world and it's history as you see fitting and you don't like it in the least bit! You were correct, I SHOULD HAVE chosen your sister" he shouted, sticking his face close to mine.

I stuck my face closer. "YEAH! MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE! NOW TAKE ME HOME YOU FUCKING LIZARD" I snapped.

"Don't call me a lizard you sow"

"PIG"

"DOG"

"SNAKE"

"HAG"

"RAISIN"

"Raisin"

"YEAH, RAISEN"

We glared at each other. We growled at each other. Had this been an anime you would've seen those electrical sparks build up between us. We were too pissed to notice that Raziel and Nightcrawler had walked in.

Then suddenly... the most random thing in the world happened. Well really, most random thing to happen in this game besides Wolverine punching Raziel. In fact it was so random... it made... randomness look logical. I guess.

Moebius and I moved our faces in close and we made out.

Yes. We made out. Lips on lips. Tongue on tongue. And only one noise was heard after that happened. Beatrix, Raziel, Miku, and Nightcrawler, all together made this one sound:

_"...EEEWWWW"_

That was enough to make mine and Moebius's eyes snap open and to pull away from each other. Moebius made an odd face. I gave a glare.

"Damnit! Damnit Damnit Damnit" I growled. He lifted an eyebrow.

"I liked it too..." he said with sarcasm. I wheeled on him.

"That isn't funny" I snapped.

...Then we made out again.

Raziel, already tired with the making out, grabbed me by the shoulder and threw me across the room, then grabbed ahold of Moebius. He started yelling at him, then other stuff happened, then we were all taken into this one Time Streaming room where we were supposed to go somewhere. And before we left, Moebius moved pass me. And we made out again. Beatrix socked him in the head, called him a pedophiliac asshole, and then he was on his merry way as Raziel turned the handles of the the thing and the Time Streaming Device began to work. Then the room filled up with an odd color that stunk like hell, and I turned over towards Nightcrawler.

"Did you fart or something" I muttered.

"It's probably your breath from making out with the old man." he snapped.

"Shut the fuck up."


	9. The Stampede

**Negative**

**Chapter Eight - The Stampede**

"Why is it all wet?"

"Because there's a huge hole in the ceiling you dumbass."

"... So why is it raining?"

"Shut up."

So much for Nosgoth's past, huh? Yup, we're in the future. And my stomach hurts. We walk out and we get attacked by a bazillion monsters. Nightcrawler, Beatrix and Raziel seemed to be handling themselves well. Until MORE came. It was getting worse. And worse. I screamed up to the sky again.

"SIS! NOW'S A GOOD TIME TO BRING IN MORE PEOPLE!"

Go figure... nobody appeared. I glared.

"THEN AT LEAST SOME GOOD MUSIC."

That was enough prompting. Before we knew it _"Battle Without Honor or Humanity"_ by Tomoyasu Hotei (AKA The badass theme in Kill Bill when The Crazy 88's walk into the House of Blue Leaves) boomed throughout the Stronghold. Everybody was kicking ass while me and Miku just... walked around and tried not to get killed. After all the guys were dead everybody rushed over to us.

"What is that noise" Raziel screamed over the booming music.

"It's music" I yelled.

"WHAT"

"IT'S MUSIC"

"IT'S TOO LOUD"

"UGH! SIS! TURN OFF THE DAMN SONG! EMO-MAN GOING TO HAVE A BRAIN HEMMORHAGE AND THEN CRY ABOUT IT! AND YOU KNOW WE DON'T WANT THAT FUCKING SHIT!"

I screamed that part just as the song ended. Raziel wanted to punch me. Beatrix wiped the green blood off the Hanzo sword and we started walking around again. And there was more fights... and more ghosts appeared... and Miku killed them. Yeah, this was getting boring. We open a door and we see A statue of Moebius holding up Vorador's head. I kinda gagged at that, covered my nose, and then rushed out of the place while Raziel stared at it and began to talk to himself. Just about all of us dubbed him as "Weird Mother Fucker" then and walked out. And it was a good thing we did because two monsters jumped out and attacked him. Naturally we ran for cover... and ended up in a sealed up room.

"Whew, no demons this time." Miku said with a sigh.

"Ra-Razi-el..."

I recognized the voice, wheeled around and gave a loud, ear-bursting scream that last for about 30 seconds, which to me and everybody around me was a pretty fucking long time. When I stopped I noticed it was a ghost of Moebius and I waved at him.

"Thank you... thank you for the long, well earned scream you fucking jerk." I snapped.

"I am truly sorry. I thought Raziel would have been with you." he said. I rubbed my throat and eyed him up and down.

"Well, looks like you've been dead for some time now. Guess that means we won't be making out anytime soon." I said. He hung his head in sorry.

"Unfortunately not." He said. I sighed with sympathy and moved my hair off of my chest and shoulders.

"Well babe, since we won't be making out anymore and you're a ghost, guess that means you can pass through stuff." I stuck out my chest. "Stick your head in, take a nice long look, and then live the rest of your unlife as a happy, horny old man."

Beatrix was going to sock me in the back of the head, but was stopped as Miku moved in and took a picture of Moebius with her Ghost-killing Camera. Moebius yelled out in pain, which was obviously the idea for Miku's sake as she lowered the camera. Raziel burst in and saw Moebius and the two started talking about boring stuff that nobody really listened to because nobody cared. I looked at Nightcrawler and nodded, and he teleported me, Beatrix and Miku out of the Stronghold and back to that cliff that we all were that one time. Then he teleported us to the top of the cliff and over that big gap, so we were left to walk. It was cool though. Those things that popped out seemed to always go for Raziel anyway so they didn't bug us.

Now things were getting boring. We continued to walk... and everything was quiet. Not one damn person said a word. Not one word. Not one GODDAMNED FUCKING WORD. Then out of nowhere... I started to sing.

_"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, dee dee dee dee, there they are a standing in a row."_ I started off. Obviously bored to death, Nightcrawler chimed in.

_"Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head..."_ I laughed and we both started to sing.

_"Give them a twist, a flick of the wrist, That's what the showman said"_ we both laughed.

Beatrix and Miku gave us the oddest looks I've ever seen in my life. Finally The Bride placed her hand on Miku's should and gently moved her asside, her hand on her Hanzo sword.

"Stand back dear, I'm going to kill them." She said. Miku held her arm.

"No thanks, I'll do that honor myself..." she said. I glared at the both of 'em.

"Come on! We haven't been fighting, there's nothing to do, it's raining, and I have an idea as to where we're supposed to go before we'll need Raziel again. Bare with me." I stated.

Everybody shut up and continued to walk. For some reason... I think walking around was more interesting then watching Raziel talk about stuff all the time. Yeah, everybody would probably miss out on important stuff, but hell. Raziel is weird and boring. Why waste eight hours of gameplay with TALK? So, we walk by that river thing... then we go over the bridge... it's still raining. Go to that one spot where that bitch stabbed me, we go up the stairs, over the bridge, keep walking. I'm lacking in description, I know. What's there to describe? I don't know. Alrighty then. YAY! WE GOT SOMEWHERE! We're infront of the gate that seals up the pillars. And we all stare at it.

"Dead end?" Beatrix asked. I shook my head.

"Close but no cigar. Once we get in, we'll probably have to wait for Emo-Man at some time." I said.

"So how do we get in?" Miku asked.

I pointed at the lever. "Hey Nightcrawler, pull that will ya? And hold onto it."

He nodded, teleported to it, and then pulled the lever. The things holding the doors shut slid out and the doors opened. We all moved towards it and saw those once really huge ass pillars all broken and shit. So we go strolling in and we see the second most emo character in this game, Miss Ariel. This was probably the only character besides the other big blue man that Raziel was nice to, when he wasn't pissing her off. She was talking to herself about stuff we all didn't bother to listen to because we're all so cool like that, and Miku even took a picture of her which was enough to piss the ghost off more and start bitching. I put my hand on the camera, looked at the redhead and shook my head. She shrugged and lowered the camera. Then Nightcrawler teleports onto the cliff while Ariel yells at us about something that we all didn't listen to and we reach the dead end where the dude with the wings is on the door.

"And this is where we wait for Emo-Man." I said. Beatrix sat down on the wet ground and the others copied.

"So now what" Miku asked.

"Now's the time where we contemplate what would be better, a perverted monk in the scene that we can all kill, or a hippie that can take a good ass kickin." I said. They all rose an eyebrow.

"Are you going to bring in another character" Beatrix asked. I smirked.

"Hell yeah, the lot of you guys are boring as shit, we need somebody fun." I said, then looked up at the sky. "Hey Sis, who should we bring in this time? Miroku or Vash? You pick"

My sister is worse than an obsessive Yaoi Fangirl. It took her at least an hour to decide who the hell to bring in. Was it going to be the lustful monk or the fuckable hippie? She was probably deciding on looks most of the time. And after her time was up, we heard int he distance a loud but hilarious laughter as Vash the Stampede came charging in.

"AAAAHHHCHACHACHA! GHOST! A GHOST!" he screamed and then tripped, fallign face first infront of us. We all rose an eyebrow.

"We've died and gone to hell." Nightcrawler said with his arms crossed and his head lowered in disappointment.

Vash stood up and did a million Super-Man poses. "HAHA! Fear not, I am the mighty, the powerful, and the insanely handsome Vash the Stampede! I fear nothing! Not the rain! Not the ghost! Not the scary blue guy who condemned us to hell."

NIghtcrawler hung his head in stupidity.

"Vash the Stampede...? Where are you from?" Miku asked.

It was then when Vash's eyes widened. He gave a long stare at Miku as if he was Pokemon's Brock staring at a porn star. There was sparkles, and bright colors, and Miku giving a confused face. Then Vash's face turned pink and he came zooming in and wrapped an arm around her waist, then dipping her back like they were dancing. Miku gave a big WTF face and Beatrix hung her head along with Nightcrawler.

"Oh, beautiful girl! Where have you been my entire life? I have never seen somebody as pretty as you!" Vash went harping on and on while Miku went... wtf.

It didn't take long until we heard Emo-Man's voice and Ariel screaming at him. After awhile he appeared out of nowhere and Vash literally screamed at the top of his lungs and jumped behind Beatrix at the mere sight of Raziel. We all gave our classic v v faces and Raziel walked over to the door and opened it up. We all walked in… except for Vash, who was too scared and confused to make a move.

"Uhhh… what's going on?" he whimpered, looking around, then saw us. "Hey! Where are you going? Why are you leaving me? Heey! Beautiful girl! Who's the monster?"

Suddenly the doors began to close. Vash gave a yell then went rocketing into the place, narrowly missing the doors as they closed behind him. We all stared at him as he fell flat on his face. Raziel, utterly peeved, turned his head slowly towards me, obviously wanting to rip my head off. I gave a chuckle, scratched my head like Wolfwood would do, then walked on. Vash went running over towards Miku and Beatrix, trying to play pimp again. Nightcrawler was walking by Raziel. I passed those spring things with the pasty mud and shuddered at the memory of our last… meeting? Ugh. Muddy enema. Sick.

So we kept walking. Yup. The only thing we heard was Vash talking on and on about the good old lovely things Vash would talk about while Miku turned seven different shades of pink and Beatrix rolled her eyes. Nightcrawler was actually amused with what the guy had to say. Raziel was most likely debating wheither he should kill me or the Stampede.

And I'm gonna be a whore and leave you with a cliffhanger 'cause this chapter is too long. kthxandbai


	10. Kain Again Yay

**Negative**

**Chapter Nine : Kain Again... Fun...**

"Are you gay?"

"What the fuck..."

"I'm bored as shit."

"Find a way to entertain yourself."

"If I was a guy, that would be easier. I'd find a nice dark spot to jack off in."

"Ugh..."

We're walking, walking some more, we're bored. Nobody cares, neither do I. Yup, we don't know where the hell we're going. Wait, yeah we do. Well except for Vash, he found his way walking right into a rock. I had to pee but nobody would wait. So I caught up and Raziel was having another 8 hour conversation with the squid.

"Hey Fish! You smell like shit!" I yelled. Vash was freaking out again.

"GWAAAAAH! WHAT IS THAT IN THERE!" he shrieked.

"Mmmm... sushi..." Beatrix and Miku muttered. Nightcrawler shivered. Raziel glanced over at me.

"Will you just go away?" he growled.

"Sounds good, Nightcrawler, let's get to that one place." I said. The squid wasn't so willing to let us go just yet though.

"WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THEIR ARRIVAL WAS NEVER FORETOLD!" the squid yelled. I gave another weird face.

"Shut up, Squid. You were born an idiot and nobody likes you." I snapped. He yelled something about tearing me limb from limb but I don't know what it was 'cause NIghtcrawler and company disappeared and appeared in the swamp.

So Vash is scared shitless of what's going on and nobody cares. We go walking through knee-high muddy shit and make it to that big shiny thing that nobody looks at 'cause we're awesome like that. We go to that big mountain thing with the hole in it, Nightcrawler gets us up there.

"So... do you know where we're going?" Beatrix asked.

"Sadly yes and I feel like shit, anybody got any food?" I asked. Then something occured to me. "Hey Miku... you went on for 4 nights without food or water in that Himuro mansion place... shouldn't you be dead by now?"

MIku blinked. "Umm..."

"Gwah, that was stupid question. WHO'S GOT FOOD?" I snapped.

Vash made a teary face. "I don't... I want donuts..."

"I want a burger..." Nightcrawler whimpered.

"Mother FUCKER what are we supposed to eat?" I snapped.

Beatrix punched me. That was enough for me. We turned around and kept walking, and walking some more. And doing more walking. This place was pretty big. No monsters though, guess that means Raziel was getting his ass kicked. Haha. So we keep up the walking and we reach this really busted down place but I don't know what it's called 'cause it starts with a U and it's hard to pronounce so we'll just call it Umbrellatingfieldville.

"Oh god... I hope there's no ghosts around here..." Miku shuddered. Vash jumped behind her and hugged her close.

"I'M SCARED TOO!" he whimpered.

Beatrix and Nightcrawler exchanged glances, then blinked as Pacman came flying by again. Then they gave this look: vv Then out of nowhere, Raziel came trotting in talking about something that sounds like Oosh-ting-heem or whatever. And he stomps over to us and goes on about how we are stupid and ignorant for running off and how he needs assistance and all this other crap we didn't care about 'cause we just watched Pacman eat one of those really big monsters.

"Goddamn... Pacman rocks..." Nightcrawler stated. Beatrix gave an 'Mmm-hmm' and nodded. Then another monster appeared. Vash picked up Miku all heroic.

"I'LL GET YOU OUT OF HERE, BEAUTIFUL GIRL!" he said. Miku gave a Xx face as Vash went running away.

"...That man is a pedophile, isn't he?" I asked.

"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?" Raziel yelled.

Me/Beatrix/Nightcrawler : **_NO!_**

Raziel blinked and slightly jumped at that. The monsters watched Vash go running by, then turned their attention to Raziel. All three of us kept walking and Raziel yelled something at us that we didn't pay attention to 'cause he was now in another fight.

So we keep walking and then we hear a CLANG! About 50 yards away, there's Vash and Miku. The Stampede ran right into the doorway of the gate that leads up into the mountains 'cause he's tall as hell, and Miku fell out of his arms and landed on her butt.We looked at Vash, then stepped over him, walking up to the mountains. Miku, getting a sense of humor going, took a picture of Vash all like, then followed after us. In less then two seconds we hear Vash yelling and charging and shooting at the monsters attacking Raziel, but we don't care. So we walk some more... and more... and some more, then we make it to this big lake with a big mountain thing there. NOW I remembered what we're supposed to do.

"Well guys, good news is we found a swimming pool. Bad news is, we have to go back down the mountain." I said.

"_WHAT_?"

Everyone's voices rang out and echoed for everyone 2 billion miles away to hear. I winced. "Loud noises..."

"What was the point of coming up here then?" Beatrix snapped.

I looked up to the sky to say something, then I saw a figure emerge and smiled, throwing out my arms in the guy's direction.

"Because the one good thing about this game is RIGHT HERE!"

Yup... Kain again. He didn't seem too surprised to see us again, but a little disappointed (why?) that Raziel wasn't with us. But nonetheless he strolled over to us with that Kain smirk of his.

"Am I truly the best thing in this game?" he asked with a hint of sarcasm. I rose an eyebrow.

"Well I _was _sort of referring to that," I pointed at his... pants. "But you're good enough for me!"

Beatrix and Nightcrawler hung their heads in embarassment. Miku gave a really disturbed stare. Kain blinked, then chuckled. So then we all started talking about something, but then Raziel and Vash come charging in to ruin the awesomeness which pissed me off. Then Raziel butts in and he and Kain have a long boring talk and I nodded at the others and we started to move back down the mountain. After awhile Raziel called out:

"Human girl! I'm leaving!" he hollered.

I responded.

_"'Kaaaaay..."_

Kain snickered, said something, then vanished. Raziel was going to come after us but then Nightcrawler did the woosh thing and we appeared back in the swamp infront of that one stone time streaming thing, he did the woosh thing inside of it, we walk down the stairs and we go into the chamber and go back in time.

Now I'm lazy and I'm going to leave you with this cliffhanger bai bai now.


	11. AHCHAAAA!

**Negative**

**Chapter Ten - AHH-CHAAAAA!**

"Oh the weather outside is frightful, Beatrix and Nightcrawler ain't delightful, and since Vash can't get Miku to _blow_, our dumbasses are stuck in the snoooow."

Yup, we were in the past, and it was snowing. Good news was that Raziel wasn't anywhere in sight and probably wouldn't be for a couple hours. Now here was the climax: I'm hungry, and I'm curious. So what do I choose? Go back into the mountains where we found that big swimming pool, or go to the Sarafan Stronghold and bum Moebius for food? I have to admit, I wasn't sure myself and had to think about it for about... 4 seconds. Then I decided to just head on over to Moebius's place. Who knows, maybe something good would happen. NIghtcrawler did the WOOSH thing and we appeared inside of the place, and then started stomping around.

"YO! MOEBIO! GET YOUR DUMB ASS OUT HERE! I'M HUNGRY!" i shouted.

"Wow... I never saw this place before... wonder if they got any donuts..." Vash said. Beatrix hung her head.

"Why are we visiting this old lizard? I don't like him and all you're going to do is make out with him." she said. I shrugged.

"At least we're away from the emo blue bitch, right? MOEBIUS! COME OUT!" I snapped.

We walked around the place for about an hour. NIghtcrawler did that "I'm Human" look thing so the guards didn't go "ick" when they saw him. They did seem confused to see all of us though, but everytime they gave us a weird look, I busted out into very loud Nirvana music, which happened to contain the lines "_I'm so ugly but that's okay 'cause so are you_". So after having a million angry looks they decided to report us to the Moe. We weren't really "arrested" as we were still free to do what we wanted but the way they "assisted" us to Moebius seemed very awkward. From the look on Beatrix I think she was conscidering killing him. Vash was hugging Miku really tightly. Miku was making a weird face. And Nightcrawler seemed just as hungry as I was. We were lead up to Moe's chamber, and he seemed to remember us very well. And he was with seven really ugly looking guys in weird armor.

"YOU!" I shouted, pointing at Moebius. He blinked, then shook his head.

"Running off without your little friend again?" he said with some disappointment in his tone.

"Duh, the guy's gonna put me to sleep. Now even more IMPORTANT question! Where do you keep your weed at?" I snapped.

Moebius blinked in confusion. Beatrix punched me in the back of the head. I rubbed it, sighed, then asked again.

"Where do you keep your FOOD at?"

Moebius gave a nod to all of the soldiers in the room except for one who had a really long stick with a blade, and they all left. Then he gestured his hand to me and walked into another room. I of course followed. MOebius then turned to the dude before shutting the doors.

"Malek, be sure to serve their needs." he said, the dude nodded. I forgot that guy was Malek. This game sucks so much cock it's hard to remember some of the shit.

We walked into Moebius's room. I sat down on a chair and he opened up a tray that had a bunch of apples and chicken and shit. Naturally I dug in. He seemed to be very fond on the wine himself. After chowing down on the first tray I stole his bottle of wine and slammed that. And I was STILL hungry.

"Man that's all you have? What's wrong with you, dude? Don't you ever EAT?" I snapped, then yelled at the door. "HEY ASSHOLE! GET MORE FOOD!" MOebius shook his head.

"Women in your world sure eat a lot." he said. I nodded after drinking another bottle of wine.

"Hell yeah they do, and some of them have the money to get the fat and shit sucked out of 'em." I said. MOebius kind of... shuddered at that.

"Isn't that... a mutilation of some sort?" he questioned after taking another sip of wine. I rose an eyebrow and nodded.

"Yeah some sort if you think sticking a tube in your ass and pumping out all of this gross shit out to make you look all bruised up and skinny is a mutilation... sometimes it works for hte better, sometimes it works for the worse... I ain't getting it done so I'm not concerning myself with that bullshit." I replied. Moebius nodded very slowly and we both drank the wine.

When Malek brought in more food Moe and I started to chow down some more. Malek also decided to bring in a lot more wine.That wasn't a bad thing, I love wine. I'd drink wine like it was water if I could. Why am I telling you this? I don't know. So anyways Moe and I are getting drunk as fuck. Then I ask him if he has any cigars, just curious if they actually have any in Nosgoth. To my surprise, they do, but it wasn't made of tobacco. Yes, it was made of weed. Probably would explain how they knew what I was talking about. Of course after smoking THAT I got even MORE hungry and ate down two more plates. Moebius just seemed to stare in shock. By the end of "dinner" I was laying back against the chair with my pants unzipped and rubbing my stomach while trying to blink away my bloodshot eyes.

"Dude... that was bomb..." I said, then burped. Moebius nodded.

"Indeed... I suppose you left Raziel to himself in the future...?" he said. I very slightly nodded.

"Yeah man, you already asked that question." I said.

"Ah. Well I think it's safe to tell you that you're adventure is almost completed and you will be leaving for your home in-"

He didn't get to finish that sentence. I walked over to him, tripped, and fell on my face. He gave a WTF face. I stood up, gave a really stupid stoner laugh, then made out with him. Then he made out with me. Then he had me up against the wall with his hood and shirt off. By the end of the hour, we were both lying naked in bed drinking a lot of wine with stained sheets and clothing thrown everywhere.

"I just lost my virginity to a video game character. How pathetic is THAT?" I announced. Moebius laughed.

"Quite a story to tell your friends at home, I assume." Moebius replied.

"Don't worry, for all I know that stupid sister of mine she'll say that my grandpa was Michael Jackson and decided to cop a feel when I went running in my thong for National Streaker Day. More believable."

"Whatever pleases you, lady."

"In that case I'm jumping back on you 'cause even for an old bastard that cock works wonders."

And I'm too lazy to add anything else so I'll just enjoy leaving you with this part of my story, just so you all can read it and be weirded out.

**PS: Griz is sexy. :P**


	12. Janos, Yay

**Negative**

**Chapter Eleven - Yay, Janos**

So after sobering up and putting my pants back on I figured that since there's only a little more I have to go before getting my ass out of this game, I might as well finish the plot. So, Moebius gave me some pointers. Remember the ugly guys from before? They needed to find out where this one guy named Janos lives so they can all do whatever they do. Another thing was that it was cold and I did look like an outsider (he was saying this to me and not to Beatrix and them 'cause he knew they wouldn't mind killing him right on the spot). It pretty much meant put on a Nosgoth chick's outfit and cut my hair.

"Okay, you want ME to cut my HAIR. That's what you're saying, right?" I said.

"Well, yes. If you don't want to look suspcious." he replied.

"Does it look like I care if I look suspcious?"

"Would you care about keeping your hair that length?"

"Not at all."

"Why are we arguing?"

"Because I hate you."

"I see."

"Gimme the damn scissors."

So when I got out of the bedroom I had boyishly cut anime-ish spiky hair, and some guy's pants and shirt. Nobody really cared about it. Moebius tried to talk Miku into dressing more appropriately (no weapons on her, right?). She kicked him. So then those ugly guys came back and we all held on to Nightcrawler. He did the woosh thing and we appeared next to the swimming pool place again, only it was frozen. I picked up a snowball and chucked it right into one of the ugly guys' faces. They were pissed.

"So... we gotta go all the way up there, huh?" I said.

"Can't your friend do that odd technique once more?" the ugly guy asked. I gave a blank face.

"Yeah genius... he CAN. I was savioring and marveling at the height of the piece of shit. Thank you very much for spoiling it, fucker."

He didn't like that. But before he could bitch we saw this blue guy look down at us. I waved. He walked away. Then one of the other ugly guys said something around the lines of "There's that devil!". And then Pacman flew by. So after we all went vv, we held onto Nightcrawler and he did the woosh thing. Then we were up in that place, but that guy ran away.

"Look at this mess, the fuck is the world coming to?" I snapped.

Vash blinked. "Any donuts in here...?" he asked and started to go through the cupboards.

"He's a vampire you idiot, he doesn't eat donuts." Beatrix snapped. Then one of the ugly guys sat next to her.

"Beautiful woman, I have never laid eyes on a girl with such beauty as-"

"Would you like to keep your eyes or do you want me to pluck them out for you?"

He got up and walked away. Beatrix laughed. Miku looked around the place.

"Why does he live all the way up here?" she asked.

"So fags like these idiots dont' try to kill him, obviously." was my response. Vash darted in.

"We are NOT killing anybody! Nobody has the right to take the life of anot-"

BANG!

Vash fell down on the ground with a pellet mark on his back as his gun smoked from my hand. Shoudld've figured he'd carry rubber bullets in his gun. He looked up and started to cry.

"Why did you have to shoot me from so up clooooooose? That stiiiiiiings!" he cried.

So we all pretty much took over Janos's house. And then Beatrix opens up one of the things, and sees The Soul Reaver. She picks it up and fucking drops it 'cause it weighs a ton. I don't know how those ugly guys could carry it but they managed to. I think that's what made the blue man come running in.

"You can't have the sword! It was not forged for you!" he shouted... or something similar to that.

"Yeah yeah just up blue guy we're going." I snapped and turned around.

"not... quite..." the ugly guys said. We all froze... except for me.

"Yes quite, get your blue ass over her Nightcrawler we're leaving." I said, then I heard some guy scream. I turned around and saw Janos get thrown down on the floor with the ugly guy ontop of him. "Jesus Christ, first they rob him and now they're RAPING him?"

Beatrix responded by running over and kicking the ugly guy in his face. Then the other ugly guy who was hitting on her shouted something along the lines of TREASON and tried to stab her. She cut his weapon in half with the hanzo sword and plucked out one of his eyes. I laughed. THen I saw Moebius's staff thing. I looked at it.

"Hmm... what does this thing do?" then it started to glow and Janos was paralyzed on the floor.

MIku blinked. "I don't think it helped him any..." she stated.

Vash jumped in and tried to drag him away but he forgot that he didn't have his gun so he got punched. Nightcrawler started to beat everyone's ass along with Bea. And... the rest of us just watched. Then I threw that staff thing in the water 'cause it looked really gay. Janos wasn't paralyzed anymore and he took back the reaver.

"What are you doing here? Why did you bring them?" he cried. I blinked.

"Obviously I wanna fucking go HOME." I snapped. he looked confused but I didn't care, I looked around. "You got any food?"

Suddenly Raziel drug his big ass into the room and started screamin and then he and Janos started talking about something that was really boring and then the ugly guy jumped up and cut open Janos' chest just as Raziel disappeared. And... we kind of disappeared with him, 'cause we're dumb like that. So Raziel now had to solve a great big puzzle to save Janos but pretty much spent most of the time talking to himself.

And... that's as much as I'm gonna tell you 'cause I'm hungry.


	13. Turn off the Drama

**Negative**

**Chapter Twelve - Turn off the Soap Opera**

"JANOS! _NO_!"

"Oh will you shut the fuck up already? He's gonna get his heart ripped out, deal with it."

"_YOU_!"

Raziel stomped his big blue ass over here and grabbed me by the shirt, then lifted me off my feet.

"This is all of your doing! You led the Sarafan here to Janos you vile wench! I should kill you where you-"

"Hey BEA! You got any earplugs on ya?"

"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? I'M GOING TO _KILL_ YOU!"

"Those earplugs sound really nice about now!"

"NONE OF YOU TRY TO STOP ME, I'M KILLING HER!"

Everyone except Vash and Miku (yes, myself included) - **_KAAAAAAAY_**.

It's obvious Emo-Man didn't like the very little resistance, so he threw me down on the ground and stormed off all pissy. Vash and Miku looked really down about the whole Janos thing. Beatrix looked like she just wanted to kill everyone in the room. NIghtcrawler was picking his nose. Then Emo-Man ran off and we walked around talking about things and then this one thing filled up with blood. We all looked down.

"Looks like somebody had a massive period in here. Emo-man really IS a woman, and here I was thinking he was just gay." I announced.

Raziel growled and went to work. We were bored as hell, and then we walked over to the door. We figured hell, Raziel isn't going to bother talking to us now since he's pissed at me, so Nightcrawler did the woosh thing and we appeared in the room. The ugly guy is still trying to rape Janos or something, and Janos is freaking out. Who wouldn't? And then the guy ripes out his heart.

Me/Beatrix - Umm... eww?

Vash goes crazy and starts shooting at the guy but then he runs away. I shrug.

"Yeah that was random, let's go back to Moe's place." I said.

Had this been any other person I have no doubt they all would've killed me. But I'm guessing they just wanted to get the fuck out of this stupid ass game as much as I wanted to. So nobody said anything... expect Vash who was crying. So we just left him there and told Miku to give him oral or something. So me, Bea and Night did the woosh thing and ended up at the stronghold. Strangely enough that ugly guy made it there quicker then I thought. All those other guys died. That was funny. So we go over to Moe and I get pissed.

"Hey Lizard! When the fuck are we getting out of here?" I snapped.

He hung his head. "You take the fun out of all of this, you know that?"

"Here's the highlight of the year, I don't fucking CARE. Be happy Emo-Man's in a nutshell." I snapped. He sighed.

"At least wait untilhe destroys Kain. If you HADN'T had thrown my orb into the water I could have just sped up time for you." he snapped.

**I**

**GOT**

**PISSED**

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN HOME IN THE TIME IT TOOK FOR US TO SPOON AND YOU DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME? IF YOUR WANG WASN'T SO GOOD TO EAT I'D BE BITING IT THE FUCK _OFF!"_

Yeah, that find of echoed throughout the stronghold, every living being paused and gave a weird look. He growled in exhaustion.

"Fine, fine. Go with Raziel, he will be sure to get you back to your home." he said.

I blinked and looked at the Ugly Guy. "THAT is RAZIEL?"

"...Yes... yes he is..."

"Why do you look like Joe from Blue's Clues?"

"JUST GO WITH HIM!"

Then I slapped Moebius for screaming. Then he yelled again. Then we made out. Then Beatrix punched me and dragged me out of the room, and we followed Raziel to this one place.

Hopefully I'll be done with this stupid game I'll go home within the next chapter. No promises.


	14. Epilogue

**Negative**

**Epilogue**

Well we followed Raziel through the Sarafan Stronghold and we made it to this big room with all the pics of the ugly guys painted on the wall. The ugly guy looked pissed.

"You should be happy that Lord Moebius is forgiving and merciful enough to let you live after helping to kill my brethren. I should kill you where you all stand." he snapped.

"Dude... look at me. Don't be grossed out just yet and look: does is look like I CARE if you kill me or not?" I responded.

He looked annoyed. I looked bored.

"I'm gonna get something to eat, that weed still has the effect on me." I said. Beatrix rolled her eyes and Nightcrawler was sleeping.

I didn't get the chance to go and get anything to eat because the door swung open and in comes Emo Man with the Soul Reaver. How he got it, I don't know. I forgot.He pushes me down, I get up. Then he starts talking to himself... or to the Ugly Guy. I dunno, this guy's a retard. So they talk to themselves, then they start fighting. At some point they looked like they were touching themselves. At another point I wanted to puke. So Emo-Man and Ugly Man duke it out, I leave and comeback with a big bucket of chicken (you'd be surprised at how advanced people are in those Sarafan kitchens). So we're watching the two retards duke it out, I'm eating chicken, and then boom somebody gets stabbed. I laugh, Ugly Man falls down.

"I renounce you." Raziel whispered.

"We don't care." I announced out loud.

Raziel then went into his dramatic act. "Now things have come full circle."

"Really, they look like a triangle to me."

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH."

"Why don't you come over here and show me how WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?"

So as if things couldn't get any gayer, Raziel's hand starts being stupid. Why he didn't drop the fucking sword is beyond me but hey, there's a lot of idiots in this game. And then the sword starts shaking around, he's going nuts, and then he stabs himself. Then he's flailing around. I raise an eyebrow and keep eating my chicken.

"HUMAN!" he cries out. _"HELP ME!"_

"I don't want to." I responded.

"WHY NOT!"

"Um... you suck?"

So he does some more screaming, and then out of the randomness, Kain appeared. How come he always appears at the weirdest times? I dont' know. Then he starts saying something and Raziel keeps screaming and then Kain rips the Soul Reaver out of him. Then he says something about Janos has to stay dead and Raziel disappears.

"Yeah um... that was... stupid." I said. Kain sighed.

"I believe this won't be the last time we'll see each other, young lady." he said with a hint of distress in his tone. I ate more chicken.

"Just as long as I'm out of here, I don't mind."

He chuckled slightly, then looked at me. "I never did recieve your _name_, you know."

I cracked my back, then responded, chicken grease smeared all over my mouth.

"Sue... **Anti**-Sue."

Then the game went all white and before I knew it I was infront of a staticy TV with clumps of hair ripped out of my head, two black eyes, heavy pants, a halter top and a frilly thong. Strangely enough, the hair was still cut short, and my disturbed sister looking at me. I managed to crack a smile.

"Thank GOD I'm out of that hell hole!" I shouted, smiling, ready to throw a party.

She still had that weirded out face on her.

"Mary? Hey, Mary Sue! SHIT HEAD, TALK TO ME. WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?"

Sis didn't really respond, but a quivering finger pointed at the TV. I turned around, and I gave my classic vv face.

"_Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh_ shit..."

From inside the TV was The Sarafan Lord in my second most least favorite LoK Game- Blood Omen 2. And before I could even say "FUCK THIS", I got grabbed by my shirt and got pulled back through the TV.

**SOUL REAVER 2 SAGA - COMPLETED**

**BLOOD OMEN 2 SAGA - PENDING...**


End file.
